on dreams

As you become weary, the reality around you completely shifts. The surrounding environment becomes fluid to the point where a single thought will alter the perception. There is not one theory to explain this phenomenon. Is it a sequence of random and meaningless hallucinations? Or is it a deeper part of reality that is making sacred attempts to communicate with humanity? Speculation is the only option when it comes to matters such as these. And whose opinion is to be valued more? There is not one person who is not convinced they are absolutely correct. Yet, that objective truth always seems to be shifting. It's obvious that in actuality it can't be objective at all. As some say, the truth cannot be uttered, for once it is spoken it is no longer the truth. Our descriptions and explanations can only distort the truth. The truth just is, and none of us can make any further assumption than that. Excess speculation is just that: excess, and perhaps unnecessary. Why then do we hold our knowledge so highly?

minor schizophrenia

A preamble to this post is probably necessary. It's simply about the changing moods we all experience. Think about a time in your life when you were incredibly satisfied with everything. Now think of a time when you completely forgot that feeling.

I need to be saved. I have several different persons in me who all want a say about the nature of humans, reality, etc. Are the ones I'm most familiar with simply an illusion? Is it all a product of Maya? It certainly seems that way sometimes. But the positivist self is so uncommon. That is the one I wish would stay. All the others are simply harmful to whatever it is that's writing this excerpt. I need to be saved. There is nothing I can do alone. The power of doubt, or perhaps the devil, will have hold on me. It's such a tempting facet that needs to be suppressed until the appropriate time. There will be nothing better than eliminating that aspect that bruises and tears apart the fabric of life.

unnecessary baggage

It's not really the best feeling when I think of things I've done while under the influence of alcohol. It's just such a typical scene in college and I hardly think I would drink this much had I never come here (obviously this is a necessary step in my schooling, though). I simply feel that the things I do and say while drinking aren't really aligned with who I am as a person. I become so mindless and do things I end up regretting. Picture this: a college scene where everyone gets together to hang out and doesn't drink. Certainly if this was the case I would have made many less mistakes and random acts of stupidity. I might even have better friendships with the people I know. Less cuts and bruises, also.

Again, more worthless speculation. I always talk about living in the present (and firmly believe it) but continue to fall back on thoughts like these. I guess it's not so terrible. It's good to highlight those things in life done wrong in such a way that will help alter future actions.

First day of last semester tomorrow...

is that so?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life. There was a beautiful, young Japanese girl who lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child. This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin. In great anger the parents went to the master.

"Is that so?" was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the little one needed. A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market. The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again. Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"

-- Zen Proverb

Why do we worry so much?

an' another one

Don't let your mind grab hold of your performance. These are your words; this is your story. The rest is useless information that isn't the least bit relevant to your life. The phenomenon that you are experiencing right now is the sole reason you are here. Don't let some outward, or perhaps inward, part of reality creep its way into your heart. Just let go of everything you identify with so you can identify yourself. You're not getting anywhere by trying to be clever or smug. The only thing that's going to help you is sticking with the things you know and not the things that take time to figure out. Your pride is consuming you to the point where you are completely terrified of its removal. One day you will see how the fleeting reality actually is a reality.

Apparently I'm stuck on this identity thing.

you're not alone

I felt compelled to let my thoughts rampage. I forced myself to write as much and as fast as I could without letting up. Here's what happened.

I haven't the slightest clue what happened. As far as I know, my surroundings have been present for at least 15 billion years. Prior to the setting, I can't even speculate about the nature of reality. But lo and behold, here I am, forcing this pencil against an old notebook from a landmark year in college. College? How did I get here? I'd be fooling myself if I thought these perceptions were normal. I am fooling myself. I shouldn't be here. What is happening to me? Why have I been subjected to this body, this corporeal substance? I'm so tied up in thought that I can't even express the anxiety that consumes me. If only I could stop thinking and simply write all the things that are bottled up inside me, I might be able to unveil some of the deepest emotions within me. Perhaps those emotions don't even want to be revealed, which is thus why I fail at releasing them. Who is holding them back? Me? Will these emotions identify me? Is it my own self that is preventing me from knowing my true nature? If this is the case then it is obvious I don't even know who I am. Just some outward performance of worthless sketching.

I should do this free-write stuff more often.

the times they are a-changin'

Classes start in exactly 11 days. It's a strange feeling knowing this is my last semester at school. Starting January, I'll be in San Antonio to carry out my student teaching process. Though, I'm a little thrown by how the scheduling is supposed to work. I talked to a Texas realtor the other day and apparently the out-of-state students are put on a three-month lease. That throws me out of SA around mid-April, after which I'm not sure where I'll be. I know ISU will have me doing plenty of projects between that time and graduation, but I don't know if they want me back around campus or not. I should probably look into this...

So there you have it. Over 17 years of schooling and I'm finally entering my last year. What an incredibly lengthy process! It's great to look back and think about former teachers, classmates, friends, etc. And how different we have become! Sometimes I wish my actions in the past were more in line with my present conduct, but I suppose it's useless to speculate on such things. All I can do now is live in the present and enjoy what is.

all is flux

Yesterday was the last day of summer camp, thus concluding another full-time job for a while. Working there was an experience at least and an opportunity for growth at most. Like any job, it had its moments of difficulty, but was unique such that the benefits of working there outweighed the drama. Every child (even the whiners!) was hilarious and precious in their own way. There is a reason why their parents love them dearly. Over the summer, I noticed an aspect to children that's paramount in the dichotomy between child and adult. It's actually quite simple. Children love to interact. They can talk to you for hours about complete non-sense. To them, the content of the conversation is not so much as important as the conversation itself. They only want to share their thoughts with anyone who is listening. We adults, however, are a little different. In the case of a new acquaintance (though there are some exceptions), we tend to keep to ourselves. Conversations are short-lived and remain on the surface. This is not necessarily a bad thing and may be part of the adult nature. It just makes talking to kids all the more worthwhile. They bring something to the table that adults no longer can: an innocent naivety of blessed youth.

So today marks the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.