in rainbows

Trying a new look. I am completely immersed in the new Radiohead album.

what day is this

So I might as well take the time to write a post that you might know what the hell I'm talking about. Usually I don't sit down at the computer and write but tonight I will make an exception. Today (well, yesterday I guess) was fairly interesting. See, I didn't get back to my apartment until about 3am and I had to wake up for a meeting at 8:30. So I got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep before I woke up to shower and attempted to erase any evidence that I'm a piece of shit who stays up drinking until 3 in the morning. I think it worked out alright, and it's damn good that it did. Had I not taken the effort to do this, I would have been quite embarrassed. This was a fairly professional meeting that dealt with the student teaching clinicals I have coming up (that's right! 3rd grade by the way). There were so many people in this lecture hall and I can't imagine being surrounded by all of them with the scent of cigarettes and liquor streaming from my body. And to top it off, one of my professors sat right next to me! So the moral of the story is that I am blessed to have woken up early enough to clean up. Or maybe that I'm just blessed in general. I passed out right after the meeting.

Wow. I hope your night was classier than mine.

the stark contrast

What are you anxious for? It is in this moment that you have no obligations, no worries. It is this moment that you reflect on later with enjoyment. Yet your presence here is anything but acknowledged. Satisfaction is this distant ideal that you are headed for on a treadmill. Yet writing has its rewards. It is only through writing that passion is realized. Or perhaps creating would be a more appropriate term. Creation induces passion; passion does not go unchecked. So the reason for existence in total is undying passion. Passion is embedded in that distant satisfaction, where love and excitement radiate from its core. The other spectrum of the world is obviously pain. Pain is the unconscious addiction that is pulling us backward on the treadmill. Its reality is so depriving that we tend to just give up on treading altogether. And it is at this time when we fall further from satisfaction, further from passion and love. So it is our responsibility to keep ourselves in check, away from chaos and destruction.

taking hits off the surface

Blogging tends to focus way too much on the author. So I'd like to hear about you.

What is it you love most? What is it you desire most? What is it you value most?

you won't remember anyway

You have no idea, but you fill up a good portion of my life. And by my life, I mean that voice in my head dictating the way I look at the world. You influence the way that I interpret my experience and play a central role in the ambiguity of hope floating around in my mind. I can't even begin to search elsewhere. You are the reason for every excuse and every mishap in my life. Yet the corollary here is not one wrought with anger. In fact, it is just the opposite.

I need to get out. I need to detach. I need theoretical salvation. I cannot continue in this physical growth. I desire the spirit. I desire serenity. I desire a place away from this chaotic construction of my mind. I am thoroughly exhausted. I need awakening. I need understanding. I am completely lost. I am completely helpless.

So those are some thoughts.

out of the mayhem

While sitting in the Degarmo courtyard...

It's quiet days like these that allow me to reflect on the good nature of life. People seemingly walk around depressed while I walk around with a peaceful glow. I wonder whether or not that glow is apparent to the strangers around me. There's something so beautiful about the calm that's permeating through the atmosphere. It's a subtle reminder that order yields from a world of chaos. No matter the cost, order always prevails. It is the epitome of everything humans were intended for. There is nothing uncertain about order. It allows us to exist in a world that's erasing our very being.

Happiness and love seem to be woven together. Some are blessed by its fruits; others are hidden from its sight. Perhaps those in the dark simply need to open their eyes. Or perhaps they are bound to their misfortune for life.

Funny how technology and its material foundations outlast the fundamental source of its existence. If consciousness dies, it is the only ephemeral existent in the history of time.

on dreams

As you become weary, the reality around you completely shifts. The surrounding environment becomes fluid to the point where a single thought will alter the perception. There is not one theory to explain this phenomenon. Is it a sequence of random and meaningless hallucinations? Or is it a deeper part of reality that is making sacred attempts to communicate with humanity? Speculation is the only option when it comes to matters such as these. And whose opinion is to be valued more? There is not one person who is not convinced they are absolutely correct. Yet, that objective truth always seems to be shifting. It's obvious that in actuality it can't be objective at all. As some say, the truth cannot be uttered, for once it is spoken it is no longer the truth. Our descriptions and explanations can only distort the truth. The truth just is, and none of us can make any further assumption than that. Excess speculation is just that: excess, and perhaps unnecessary. Why then do we hold our knowledge so highly?