you won't remember anyway

You have no idea, but you fill up a good portion of my life. And by my life, I mean that voice in my head dictating the way I look at the world. You influence the way that I interpret my experience and play a central role in the ambiguity of hope floating around in my mind. I can't even begin to search elsewhere. You are the reason for every excuse and every mishap in my life. Yet the corollary here is not one wrought with anger. In fact, it is just the opposite.

I need to get out. I need to detach. I need theoretical salvation. I cannot continue in this physical growth. I desire the spirit. I desire serenity. I desire a place away from this chaotic construction of my mind. I am thoroughly exhausted. I need awakening. I need understanding. I am completely lost. I am completely helpless.

So those are some thoughts.

out of the mayhem

While sitting in the Degarmo courtyard...

It's quiet days like these that allow me to reflect on the good nature of life. People seemingly walk around depressed while I walk around with a peaceful glow. I wonder whether or not that glow is apparent to the strangers around me. There's something so beautiful about the calm that's permeating through the atmosphere. It's a subtle reminder that order yields from a world of chaos. No matter the cost, order always prevails. It is the epitome of everything humans were intended for. There is nothing uncertain about order. It allows us to exist in a world that's erasing our very being.

Happiness and love seem to be woven together. Some are blessed by its fruits; others are hidden from its sight. Perhaps those in the dark simply need to open their eyes. Or perhaps they are bound to their misfortune for life.

Funny how technology and its material foundations outlast the fundamental source of its existence. If consciousness dies, it is the only ephemeral existent in the history of time.

on dreams

As you become weary, the reality around you completely shifts. The surrounding environment becomes fluid to the point where a single thought will alter the perception. There is not one theory to explain this phenomenon. Is it a sequence of random and meaningless hallucinations? Or is it a deeper part of reality that is making sacred attempts to communicate with humanity? Speculation is the only option when it comes to matters such as these. And whose opinion is to be valued more? There is not one person who is not convinced they are absolutely correct. Yet, that objective truth always seems to be shifting. It's obvious that in actuality it can't be objective at all. As some say, the truth cannot be uttered, for once it is spoken it is no longer the truth. Our descriptions and explanations can only distort the truth. The truth just is, and none of us can make any further assumption than that. Excess speculation is just that: excess, and perhaps unnecessary. Why then do we hold our knowledge so highly?

minor schizophrenia

A preamble to this post is probably necessary. It's simply about the changing moods we all experience. Think about a time in your life when you were incredibly satisfied with everything. Now think of a time when you completely forgot that feeling.

I need to be saved. I have several different persons in me who all want a say about the nature of humans, reality, etc. Are the ones I'm most familiar with simply an illusion? Is it all a product of Maya? It certainly seems that way sometimes. But the positivist self is so uncommon. That is the one I wish would stay. All the others are simply harmful to whatever it is that's writing this excerpt. I need to be saved. There is nothing I can do alone. The power of doubt, or perhaps the devil, will have hold on me. It's such a tempting facet that needs to be suppressed until the appropriate time. There will be nothing better than eliminating that aspect that bruises and tears apart the fabric of life.

unnecessary baggage

It's not really the best feeling when I think of things I've done while under the influence of alcohol. It's just such a typical scene in college and I hardly think I would drink this much had I never come here (obviously this is a necessary step in my schooling, though). I simply feel that the things I do and say while drinking aren't really aligned with who I am as a person. I become so mindless and do things I end up regretting. Picture this: a college scene where everyone gets together to hang out and doesn't drink. Certainly if this was the case I would have made many less mistakes and random acts of stupidity. I might even have better friendships with the people I know. Less cuts and bruises, also.

Again, more worthless speculation. I always talk about living in the present (and firmly believe it) but continue to fall back on thoughts like these. I guess it's not so terrible. It's good to highlight those things in life done wrong in such a way that will help alter future actions.

First day of last semester tomorrow...

is that so?

The Zen master Hakuin was praised by his neighbors as one living a pure life. There was a beautiful, young Japanese girl who lived near him. Suddenly, without any warning, her parents discovered she was with child. This made her parents very angry. She would not confess who the man was, but after much harassment at last named Hakuin. In great anger the parents went to the master.

"Is that so?" was all he would say.

After the child was born it was brought to Hakuin. By this time he had lost his reputation, which did not trouble him, but he took very good care of the child. He obtained milk from his neighbors and everything else the little one needed. A year later the girl-mother could stand it no longer. She told her parents the truth - that the real father of the child was a young man who worked in the fish market. The mother and father of the girl at once went to Hakuin to ask his forgiveness, to apologize at length, and to get the child back again. Hakuin was willing. In yielding the child, all he said was: "Is that so?"

-- Zen Proverb

Why do we worry so much?

an' another one

Don't let your mind grab hold of your performance. These are your words; this is your story. The rest is useless information that isn't the least bit relevant to your life. The phenomenon that you are experiencing right now is the sole reason you are here. Don't let some outward, or perhaps inward, part of reality creep its way into your heart. Just let go of everything you identify with so you can identify yourself. You're not getting anywhere by trying to be clever or smug. The only thing that's going to help you is sticking with the things you know and not the things that take time to figure out. Your pride is consuming you to the point where you are completely terrified of its removal. One day you will see how the fleeting reality actually is a reality.

Apparently I'm stuck on this identity thing.